The last time I was here, I claimed that I have changed. But here I am now, exactly like how I was back then. Still the girl who lack confidence and self esteem, afraid of her own shadows and is easily affected by people. I thought college would change me, make me stronger in a way. I thought living away form my family would turn me into an independent person, not having to depend on anyone else but myself. I realized that things don't always go the way we want it to. Five months in college, yet I still have not adapted to the new environment yet. I find it hard to fall asleep at night as my imagination tends to go astray. Walking to the toilet alone at night is probably the hardest task I have to face in college. And with a bladder as small as mine, I need to go to the toilet at the average of two to three times in the middle of the night. I refrain from drinking after the clock strikes 10, but sometimes I'd get thirsty which would lead to a battle, with myself. Sometimes, I give in, only to wake up at 3 in the morning with a full bladder and feelings of regret.

On a not so different note, I personally think that I am not doing that well in my studies. I realized that I have not been focusing lately. Frankly, I don't understand most of the things that I am studying. I'm acing all the memorizing subjects, but I'm not doing so good with all the understanding subjects. So what if I have a photographic memory instead of a smart brain. That doesn't give you the right to call me 'book smart'. I absolutely hate that term, might as well replace it with the term 'stupid'. Having geniuses as my classmates can be both good and bad. They motivate me to work harder while at the same time, they tend to bring me down. Don't get me wrong, I love all of them. Mid term results just came out and sadly, I didn't ace it. To make things worse, my mentor even ask me to reconsider taking up medicine after the foundation. I was totally devastated and ashamed with my results, which led to me lying about my results. Frankly, nobody knows my real result except for my mentor. Not even Mom. She expects so much from me, I can't even begin to imagine how she would react if she knew. Anyhow, finals are just around the corner, I am very determined to do better. No more feelings of regret from now on.

Two days after I turned eighteen, I passed my driving test. I might not be the most confident driver in the world, but that doesn't give you the right to mock the way I drive. All I really want is someone who is patient enough to teach me and give me a few pointers, but I guess such person does not exist in this world. Five months later, I am still a sucky driver. How am I supposed to practice if everyone refuse to lend me their precious cars? It's unfair how my younger brother gets a car before I do.

I have not been exercising regularly. In fact, I have not been exercising at all lately. I miss cheering, the one thing that makes me feel good about myself. But college has been keeping me so tied up that I don't have the time to go for cheer practices. Heck, I don't even have the time to hit the gym. I think the lack of exercise is what causing me to go into depression. I feel lethargic all the time.

It feels good to put all of that in black and white. I've had it bottled up inside of me for far too long. I don't need your sympathies, I just need you to understand.

18:07

The last time I was here, I claimed that I have changed. But here I am now, exactly like how I was back then. Still the girl who lack confidence and self esteem, afraid of her own shadows and is easily affected by people. I thought college would change me, make me stronger in a way. I thought living away form my family would turn me into an independent person, not having to depend on anyone else but myself. I realized that things don't always go the way we want it to. Five months in college, yet I still have not adapted to the new environment yet. I find it hard to fall asleep at night as my imagination tends to go astray. Walking to the toilet alone at night is probably the hardest task I have to face in college. And with a bladder as small as mine, I need to go to the toilet at the average of two to three times in the middle of the night. I refrain from drinking after the clock strikes 10, but sometimes I'd get thirsty which would lead to a battle, with myself. Sometimes, I give in, only to wake up at 3 in the morning with a full bladder and feelings of regret.

On a not so different note, I personally think that I am not doing that well in my studies. I realized that I have not been focusing lately. Frankly, I don't understand most of the things that I am studying. I'm acing all the memorizing subjects, but I'm not doing so good with all the understanding subjects. So what if I have a photographic memory instead of a smart brain. That doesn't give you the right to call me 'book smart'. I absolutely hate that term, might as well replace it with the term 'stupid'. Having geniuses as my classmates can be both good and bad. They motivate me to work harder while at the same time, they tend to bring me down. Don't get me wrong, I love all of them. Mid term results just came out and sadly, I didn't ace it. To make things worse, my mentor even ask me to reconsider taking up medicine after the foundation. I was totally devastated and ashamed with my results, which led to me lying about my results. Frankly, nobody knows my real result except for my mentor. Not even Mom. She expects so much from me, I can't even begin to imagine how she would react if she knew. Anyhow, finals are just around the corner, I am very determined to do better. No more feelings of regret from now on.

Two days after I turned eighteen, I passed my driving test. I might not be the most confident driver in the world, but that doesn't give you the right to mock the way I drive. All I really want is someone who is patient enough to teach me and give me a few pointers, but I guess such person does not exist in this world. Five months later, I am still a sucky driver. How am I supposed to practice if everyone refuse to lend me their precious cars? It's unfair how my younger brother gets a car before I do.

I have not been exercising regularly. In fact, I have not been exercising at all lately. I miss cheering, the one thing that makes me feel good about myself. But college has been keeping me so tied up that I don't have the time to go for cheer practices. Heck, I don't even have the time to hit the gym. I think the lack of exercise is what causing me to go into depression. I feel lethargic all the time.

It feels good to put all of that in black and white. I've had it bottled up inside of me for far too long. I don't need your sympathies, I just need you to understand.

18:07
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