01:57

01:54

How do I begin this? Where do I even start? More than half a year has passed. 7 months to be exact. It had never crossed my mind how hectic college life can be. If you think high school is tiring, wait till you get into college. Classes, lectures and labs from 8 a.m till 5 p.m, which can sometimes drag on till 6 p.m. Rushing to complete tutorials at night. Oh, what a life! For 11 months, my routine was the same. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I disliked being in college. College was exciting, no kidding. Albeit I am relieved that foundation is over, I can't help but to miss that hectic life I led for almost a year. I am currently on a 5 month holiday before I start with degree. I ain't looking for a job, well atleast not at the moment. I deserve this break. To be frank, I personally thing that I've worked really hard for my final semester. So, I am just praying and hoping for the best. In case you were wondering, yes, I am still determined to take up medicine.

From now on, I will make it a point to update this online diary of mine more frequently. On a not so different note, nisbong.blogspot.com just turned 3 on the 17th of April!

Yours truly,

23:58

The last time I was here, I claimed that I have changed. But here I am now, exactly like how I was back then. Still the girl who lack confidence and self esteem, afraid of her own shadows and is easily affected by people. I thought college would change me, make me stronger in a way. I thought living away form my family would turn me into an independent person, not having to depend on anyone else but myself. I realized that things don't always go the way we want it to. Five months in college, yet I still have not adapted to the new environment yet. I find it hard to fall asleep at night as my imagination tends to go astray. Walking to the toilet alone at night is probably the hardest task I have to face in college. And with a bladder as small as mine, I need to go to the toilet at the average of two to three times in the middle of the night. I refrain from drinking after the clock strikes 10, but sometimes I'd get thirsty which would lead to a battle, with myself. Sometimes, I give in, only to wake up at 3 in the morning with a full bladder and feelings of regret.

On a not so different note, I personally think that I am not doing that well in my studies. I realized that I have not been focusing lately. Frankly, I don't understand most of the things that I am studying. I'm acing all the memorizing subjects, but I'm not doing so good with all the understanding subjects. So what if I have a photographic memory instead of a smart brain. That doesn't give you the right to call me 'book smart'. I absolutely hate that term, might as well replace it with the term 'stupid'. Having geniuses as my classmates can be both good and bad. They motivate me to work harder while at the same time, they tend to bring me down. Don't get me wrong, I love all of them. Mid term results just came out and sadly, I didn't ace it. To make things worse, my mentor even ask me to reconsider taking up medicine after the foundation. I was totally devastated and ashamed with my results, which led to me lying about my results. Frankly, nobody knows my real result except for my mentor. Not even Mom. She expects so much from me, I can't even begin to imagine how she would react if she knew. Anyhow, finals are just around the corner, I am very determined to do better. No more feelings of regret from now on.

Two days after I turned eighteen, I passed my driving test. I might not be the most confident driver in the world, but that doesn't give you the right to mock the way I drive. All I really want is someone who is patient enough to teach me and give me a few pointers, but I guess such person does not exist in this world. Five months later, I am still a sucky driver. How am I supposed to practice if everyone refuse to lend me their precious cars? It's unfair how my younger brother gets a car before I do.

I have not been exercising regularly. In fact, I have not been exercising at all lately. I miss cheering, the one thing that makes me feel good about myself. But college has been keeping me so tied up that I don't have the time to go for cheer practices. Heck, I don't even have the time to hit the gym. I think the lack of exercise is what causing me to go into depression. I feel lethargic all the time.

It feels good to put all of that in black and white. I've had it bottled up inside of me for far too long. I don't need your sympathies, I just need you to understand.

18:07

It has been awhile, hasn't it? A great deal of things have changed in just a matter of months. I have changed, both physically and emotionally. For instance, I've decided that it'd be best to start fresh with a new look and hence, I finally chopped off that long mane of mine after years of waiting patiently for it to grow. I must say, short hair are so much easier to deal with. And of course, less hair means less bad hair days for me. I've been bumming at home a lot nowadays, given the whole 'no school/work' deal. Sleeping and eating are my two best forte, for now. Due to that, weighing scales have become my biggest foe yet. I can literally feel my tummy expanding every single time I binge on something but lucky me, I have eased down on the bingeing. Or have I not? Considering that I am stuffing my face with food right now, as I type away on this Mac Book that I bought for myself for acing that major exam last year! College/future talk has been the main topic over breakfast, lunch and dinner. It gets annoying at times because different people have extremely different point of views. I was accepted by a few colleges which I turned all of them down until I was offered a place at one of the newest medical school in the country which so happens to be my dream college. I was on a roll, I finally stopped bumming around and started thinking about college, long and hard. But unfortunately, you can't always get what you want. I had to turn down their offer due to certain reasons that I rather not say. It was a heartbreaking decision, but a wise decision nonetheless. I accepted the offer from an older but a world-reknown university instead and I would be reporting myself in two weeks time. Frankly, I am terrified. College would be nothing like high school, or so I've heard.

On a different note, I have been seeing someone new for the last four months or so. Some might think that I moved on a tad too fast, but hey everyone is allowed to have their own point of views. I must say that the last few months have been such a smooth ride for us and I am at a happy place now. Not to say that I wasn't happy before, just that I'm happier right where I am now. It's safe to say that I have grown more mature over the months. For instance, I have learned that fake smiles would only hurt me more. Plus, he've made me realized that opening up to people is so much better than keeping it bottled up inside. And I have never been more comfortable telling someone about my fears and secrets. Do you get me now when I tell you that I'm in a better place now? I really am :)

20:41

Hello pretty people,

As soon as the year kicked off, my life had become too personal to be written down here. For that, I opted to get back to basic which is jotting them all down in a diary. Decisions, we come across them every waking hour. As most of you are already aware of, I ended my nineteen months long relationship not long ago. Some may see it as an act of selfishness, while few prefer not to judge. He was an amazing boy, no doubt. But given time, anything can fade. Yes I agree that he has flaws, but that doesn't come close to being the reason why I ended things. I accepted his flaws because no one in this world is born flawless. And no, it wasn't because of any fights. We barely had any misunderstandings. It was a smooth ride for a whole eighteen months, but things changed after that. He got caught up with something and we started falling apart slowly but surely. It felt like I barely know him, he had become a stranger. He wasn't the same boy that I took eleven months to fall in love with. Although he was busy, that didn't mean he stopped loving me. Yes, I get that. It was me who fell out of love. That may have sounded selfish, but I don't expect anyone to understand why I threw away nineteen months just like that. People have their own ways in looking at things, that is something I don't have the power nor the strength to change. So I'll let you judge all you want because it doesn't matter, no one would understand unless they've been in my shoes. I'm not asking for sympathy, neither am I asking you to side me. What I've learnt from all of this is that, hurting someone hurts more than being hurt yourself. I'm still living in guilt for what I did to him. You don't just leave someone and not feel bad about it. I'm helping him to move on by carrying out his one and only favour, to stay as friends. I don't mind, because he surely is a great person and a good friend. Plus, I owe him that much. I would do anything to make things right again, although it doesn't include us getting back with each other. To let go doesn't mean to stop caring, because I still do care about him. Just not in the same way anymore. At the end of the day, I'm glad that we are in good terms and I can still call him, my friend.

Perfect couldn't keep this love alive, I'm sorry.

Yours truly,

22:24

Times like this, I realize how much I miss writing. When I write, I shut down everything around me. At this point of time, that's the only thing that I need. To just shut down everything and ramble on to myself, and only myself. I don't want to pick up the pieces and move on, not just yet. I'm not done yet. I need to feel this pain, and perhaps carve it on my heart so that I know better the next time. Not that I wish that there will be a next time, but just in case life decides to be a bitch again. On a not so different note, my feelings are pretty much not balanced right now. How can I decide what I want when I don't even know what I want? Perhaps it doesn't make sense, but it does to me.

This might be goodbye for you, but not for me, my friend. Need I remind you that I am a pretty stubborn girl? I'm not ready to let go.

21:51

In just a split second, anything and everything can change. Your whole world can come tumblin' down, right in your face. Everything that you have worked so hard for in keeping, can just disappear. Everything that seems so right to you, can suddenly become so wrong. But that is nothing compared to when a friend is lost. One minute they are there, and the next they can just be gone, gone with the wind. Whether you like it, or not. Whether you're prepared for it, or not. One single slip, and that's all it takes. I did this to myself, so I have no one to depend on other than myself to get through this. I've hurt so many people along the way, I wouldn't want to be dragging any more people along with me while I get through this. I never intend for it to end like this, but I'm not capable of altering the future either. Everything happens for a reason, they say. But I still don't see the reason for this to happen. Or maybe I'm just in denial. How can I not be? I just wanted to protect a person's feelings, but I never knew it would cost me another person's feelings. Well, too late for anything now ain't it? This is why I used to keep myself away from people, because I somehow knew that I would screw everything up. I was proven right, the hard way. Tell me now, how do you reckon I live with myself now? How do I wake up in the morning and look at myself in the mirror? How do I forgive myself?

Whenever I tell you to trust me, please don't. Ask those two people I've hurt, they will tell you exactly this : ' Never trust her'

Frankly, I don't blame them.

I'm sorry for causing any trouble, but I sure hope that we can work things out in the future. When you finally decide to forgive me. Yes, both of you. I really treasure what I had with both of you and I'm not ready to let it go. Not just yet.

20:48

Well, what do you know? I can already cross out one of the many things from my pretend new year's resolutions list. Surprise surprise, I finally made good use of the pool. Mom sure would be so proud of me, right on. Honestly, it was a super relaxing day. I wish for more days like this to come in this brand new year. On a different note, I didn't bother making any new years resolution simply because they usually lasts for a month, at the most. So why bother? I shall be wise and not waste time. If I decide to change something about my life, then I will do as I wish. No need to jot it all down now, si?

Thought so too :)

23:28

What better way is there to welcome a brand new year than with my loved ones? Without drunken bastards attempting (and sometimes succeeding too) in groping our assets, that is. Throw in some good ol' pepperoni pizzas, fizzy drinks, a horror movie namely Paranormal Activity, a game of twister (not nude twister, sadly) and we got ourselves one hell of an amazing night. Without even having to step foot outside of my comfort zone that is, my home. Not having to strap into our 5 inch stilettos was definitely a plus. Screaming in our most high pitched voice while watching Paranormal Activity was such a funny sight, especially when the lads started screaming louder than us girls. The house was pitch black, mind you. The only light was coming from the telly, that's all. God forbid, how do you reckon we all sleep at night now? Being so hooked with the movie, we almost forgot the reason we were all gathering there. But fret not, we were just in time to catch the beautiful fireworks filling up the night sky with their pretty colours not from one, but from eight different places. Take that, hah! Hands down, the best NYE celebration. For me, atleast.

From NYE

23:33

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